Here's to us

Wow.
I
Am
Finally
Here

Graduation is on Friday

I made it

This is to all those mornings I couldn't get up for school
This is to my mother who sat in Kindergarten with me on the ABC rug because I was too afraid of going to school

I now call it anxiety and extreme attachment to my mom

This is to Mitch Call who taught me I was not alone


This is to my first best friend Audraya who met me on the dirt pile
This is to my pug Dexter who comforted me while I cried
This is to Mr. Malouf who taught me that English was my best subject
and this is to Emily Moyle who taught me there is always something to laugh about

This is to my first Princess chair and to my first trench coat that taught me I can be anything I want to be

This is to my house in Provo and the house on the hill

This is to Sydnee Lefler, I know god loves me because he put you in my life

This is to Jenni and Jason
 and to Max Strong

This is to Lifeline, To all my treatment friends that have saved my life
To my rehab children now, I love you guys and will give you guys everything I have

To Dani and Bryce 

This is to baby Annabell. There are stars in your eyes and I love you as my own.

To my foster baby Zadis. I know people think you will grow up without a chance, but I promise I will fight for you. I will fight so that you have the best life you can.

This is to Taylor Anderson. You taught me how to love. You taught me how special I really am. You taught me what real fun is and we fit together like two peas in a pod. You taught me what I want my future to look like.

To my spiritual leaders and Sunday school teachers
To my elementary school friends and to Billy the Janitor

To Josh Patterson and Aspen Meek

To Nelson,

 You're too cool for you're own good

This is to my parents. Who are the coolest parents I have ever met. I couldn't have been blessed more. 

This is to God and Jesus. I wouldn't have this life without you guys. You taught me love. You taught me that everything I have been through is worth it. I cannot thank you enough

This is to me. Hell Yeah. You are freaking awesome. 

There are so many people, experiences, things, places, smells, and even tastes that I could thank and have brought me this far, but those are the ones that needed to be highlighted.

2016

I remember

I remember the way his lips felt
I remember when I fell down the stairs
I remember soft whispers
and very loud thoughts
I remember Dani
I remember peaches in my backyard
I remember when I had hope
I remember when I didn't
I remember being hit
I remember hitting back
I remember getting the splits
I remember throwing up on my friends floor in park city
I remember when life was simpler
I remember carving my name into a tree
I remember apologizing to the tree a year later
I remember sugar pancakes
I remember

Blue Ticket

Starts are sometimes more important than the finish



the start of a blossom before the bloom

the momentum before the race
starting to love yourself before you know the outcome
a sweet baby starting out before they become monsters
starting fresh the new school year
new job
new attitude
new life
starting your first seashell, Pokemon, or quarter collection
starting a new life style
i wouldn't be where I am today without starting
the breath, the exhale before you start dancing on stage
starts to begin new starts
starts, farts, marts, carts, arts, hearts, charts, smarts, parts, tarts
mini marts

My Heart

I'm not who I once was

On January 9th my life changed forever,

I was put into a treatment center called Lifeline. I was taken away from my family and friends for five months. Before Lifeline I was a disaster and a explosion waiting to happen. I constantly gave to others, but I didn't know how to receive. I gave my everything into people until I was overwhelmed with anger, exhaustion, and until I was emptied of everything I had. I gave until I gave up. I was an expert at taking care of everyone around me, yet I doubted my ability to take care of myself. I was a shell of a person, mindlessly moving from one activity of worry and competition to controlling and comparing myself and others. I wanted to control and help everyone. I thought I knew what was best for everyone. I pushed my Lauren self down and down. I changed my appearance to look like others for their acceptance and to feel loved. I changed my values. I didn't know or care who Lauren was or what she thought. I was a victim of drug abuse, yet I never used drugs, but I was nonetheless victimized by drug abuse. I was a raging Co-dependant because of things that happened in my life. I reacted in very unhealthy ways. I learned to hate myself. I was in the grasp of anorexia, self harm, low self worth, controlling, comparing, lying, manipulation, attention seeking, all or nothing thinking, irrational thinking, a eating disorder, depression, anxiety. I felt so alone. I was trapped and so full of anger and hate for life and especially myself. I learned to be scared of god and feel guilt for talking to him.

In Lifeline my world changed. It was freaking hard to not be able to see my dearest family and friends for so long. The stress you're put under to tell everyone everything about your life. Every embarrassing, sensitive, and scary situation you have had. And all your bad intentions to learn how to heal from them. My skin was peeling off my face because of the amount of stress I was under. My period even stopped because of the stress. We also ate horrible amounts of Mexican food. Haha Now even though it was a really hard thing to do, I gave my all into it. I wanted to be happy and to change. I wanted to love myself and to build relationships with my family. I wanted to talk to my god again. I wanted to trust my god again. I wanted the pain to go away. I was fearless and I did it all.

I am so proud of myself for learning how to love every inch of myself. I am so proud that I did so much work to learn who Lauren was. I have learned who I am and what I stand for. I have learned so many coping skills for depression, anxiety, and stress. I have learned about the 12 steps and how they apply to me and how to work them. I have learned the healthy balance of taking care of myself and others, which is incredibly amazing. I went from collapsing from the stress to being able to write out what I'm feeling and ask for help.

I want to say how thankful I am. The relationship I built with my god is what has made me whole. Being thankful is my rock and what keeps me going. Life of course is still really hard, yet I have learned to turn everything over to my god and to work hard. Darkness is out there, yet we cannot have rainbows without any rain. I needed to have darkness and I still need darkness to enjoy the most amazing confidence and freedom. I am so thankful for all the people that have helped in treatment. You guys are forever in my heart. I am so thankful for everyone and the example you set for me.     (two years ago)

(Now)

Circumstances still suck in life. I realize depression is something I might always struggle with. I have found so much joy working back at Lifeline now. I love to give back to struggling drug addicts who have nothing. I know that if I didn’t go through crap I wouldn’t be able to help the people I have and will help. I know that all my struggles and everything I have learned will help my future family and I want to teach my kids how to love themselves. Without treatment I never would of found my voice. I am kind and also assertive which is an awesome combination with working with people.

I hope I can pass on hope to people. That self love is one of the greatest things in this world. That everyone goes through tons of crap and no family or person is perfect. I want to inspire people to get the help they need and be able to pass it on. I want to be rid of the taboo about talking about hard things. If you don’t talk it out, you will act it out. Yeah.

Hello, it's me

Hey
This feels really good
I am so thankful for this blog
I have been able to feel my emotions better
I have been able to express things better

I even have become a little more creative

Thank you

-Lauren Hansen

I was going to film a video with my cat, but she fell asleep on my back. lol

                                         

Wins and Losses

You say you're sorry
For the pain we both were in
But
I'm not sorry

If I never felt the air knocked out of me
I never would have the sweet feeling of breath in my lungs

If I never felt my body starve
I never would love myself like I do now

If marks never scratched my veins
I wouldn't have the coping skills I do now

If he never died
I wouldn't value life like I do now

If I never fell
I never would of learned how to fly

If I never had my brain kill me from the inside out
I would never appreciate how beautiful life can be

If I never felt the knives of pure anxiety
I never would have my 4.0

If I never fought with demons
I never could be this strong

If I never felt what it was like to be so so alone
I wouldn't love people like I do now

You cannot have rainbows without a little rain

Wins and losses live inside me
yet I don't always view them as losses  

You say you don't exist in my happy world
I believe you always have

Grown up fears

My 12 year old brother said:

"Once I learned
how
to
swallow
pills,
I felt like
an
adult" 

innocence made me think
about what I was afraid of

what if kids feel like adults are just trying to get by?
swallowing sorrows and troubles away
a pill at a time

I don't want to be that adult.
I don't
but
I fear I will
be

I am a robot

I am a robot
my
feelings
are
numb

non existent

I have been programmed to think a certain way
 I couldn't see my family until I did

I live in an unbroken routine
I am constantly thinking and processing information

I don't stop and smell the roses 

Even my laugh is robotic

ha  ha  ha  ha

You ask what makes us human,
yet I am anything but

Oh boy
I hope this ends. 

Kiss

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    \ H E ,.-^              k
      \,.-^                   i
                              ss
                              kis
                             skiss
                             kissk
                            isskiss
                           kisskisskis
                         skisskisskisski
                       sskisskisskisskiss
                      kisskisskisskisskiss
                   kisskisskisskisskisskiss
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               kisskisskisskisskisskisskisskis
               skisskisskisskisskisskisskisski
                sskisskisskisskisskisskisskiss
                      
         

Thoughts

Being forced to write is fun
I have to squeeze out some
Thoughts

Thought number one: You can't make yourself happy, but you can help yourself become a little less sad

Thought number two: Sometimes people say they love you, but they really don't

Thought number three: I challenge you to really get to know your mom or dad, so well that you can finish each other's sentences

Thought number four: Dogs

Thought number five: Do things that make you feel better about yourself everyday

Thought number six: drink lots of water

Thought number seven is my favorite number

Crayons

Our world is like a crayon box
We all are different colors, shades, mixes, and tastes
We all work with different colors
but

you

you are a black crayon

I am a white crayon

they say that opposites attract
oh
we
attract

Sometimes you meet someone
and it’s so clear 
that the two of you
on some level 
belong together

but like black and white crayons 
you
and 
I 
we don't 

mix  

I remember

When my brother was taken from me
when it hurt so much just to open my eyes
I remember
when my parents were my enemies
when I would do anything to feel
I remember
when scars became secrets
when friendship became a competition
I remember
when I would find attention from anyone
when I was so far gone, you couldn't get me off the bathroom floor
I remember
when demons crawled into my brothers room
the torture of others feelings ingrained in my soul
I remember
wishing I wouldn't wake up
when I tried to make that happen
I remember 
screaming into my pillow
writing help notes on my floor
I remember

I remember when I prayed for help
I remember when I asked for help
I remember when I drove with my father and brother to help
I remember the front desk as if it were yesterday
I remember being so excited that the pain might go away
I remember hugging my brother for the last time
I remember encouraging words
I remember support from older teens
I remember when I was told I was not alone

I remember my therapist
My partner in crime
I remember the food I ate
I remember the words I heard
I remember when I learned to love myself 
I remember when my world changed forever

I remember when my past defined me
I remember when it didn't
                                                                          

When I am gone, release me

Bricks can come in many shapes and sizes
we all hope for the day when we can fit them into our little circle holes
and be done with them

With suicide
it's like trying to fit a square block into a circle hole
it just doesn't fit

He was a light, and was terribly behaved
with a booming voice that filled a room
he loved to make others laugh
he was there for the people everyone else has given up on

They say there are steps to grief
but I'm only on step one
not sure how I'm going to make it to step two

Maybe one day I will find a place for this brick
but as of right now
I'm just not there yet

forgiven and forgotten

I cannot be defined by positivity and depression.
Because I am both, but I am me.

I remember my constant battle with anorexia
I simply couldn't focus on anything else, but my body
Nothing was important
Only my control over my body
It was pure hell

I would like to offer hope to others with the same or similar issues
because if I have found peace

You can
too

I can happily say I am enjoying the thoughts of healthy
I no longer focus on the words thin, skinny, fat, proportionate or anything between

I now focus on what my body can do
I no longer let a piece of fabric tell me how I'm going to feel that day

I let my legs that can run, swim, bike, and do triathlons tell me how I can feel that day
I let my lungs that can scream from mountain tops tell me how I can feel that day
And I now listen to my heart pumping and I let it tell me how I'm feeling that day
And I have never been happier 

I know we have demons in our lives for a reason
because if I have never struggled with this
I wouldn't have the appreciation for life as I do now

Healing his broken heart

When I think about love,
I think about all the positives, yet the other side of me thinks about the negatives
It seems in our life we have to go through the negatives to enjoy the positives
The saying goes:
You can't have a rainbow without a little rain
To tell you the truth, my heart has never been broken by a crush
It has however, been broken by a guy friend of mine
Well, I let him break mine
When he looked at me I felt my body go cold

She hurt him

His salty tears streaming down his face didn't help calm my anxiety as my emotions flooded me
How dare her 
I seem to have absorbed his feelings into me
People do tell me i'm like a sponge
I feel feelings that sometimes I know are not even mine
I took his
His need to save her from her dad
His need to love every inch of her body
His need for her to stop cheating on him with his best friends and cutting his heart in half
His need to love and to be loved in return

So some may say that my heart has never been broken
But I say it has
Oh it has
I felt it
I felt his broken heart

 

Flaming Pissed

I'm flaming pissed
Freaking pissed
So pissed
but you know whats behind pissed?
Did you know that anger is a secondary emotion?
Hurt
Sad
Pain
comes first
Did you know what I was going to write about this beautiful Sunday?
I was going to write about something I have overcome. Triumph
but really I need to get
real

A beautiful baby boy's presents have I been graced with recently
not even one years old
he will be one on Monday
Tomorrow
His mom is unstable, under constant control of lies and heroine, meth, anything
He is the sweetest, easy, calming baby you could ever have
I have been lucky enough to have been taking care of him recently
Even though I was sick, I couldn't say no to his eyes full of wonder and full of painful memories
His mom was in the hospital for skin diseases she received from stabbing herself full of heroine needles
My young brother and wife passed him off to my family
Why does there need to be these sad circumstances in life?
I already know the answer, yet avoiding it eases the pain
Long story short she manipulated into getting him back. She uses him for sympathy and money.
No one deserves to be used
But we all get used
I just miss him. I don't want this little soul around screaming, breaking doors, drugs, random people.

I want him safe.

I realize I have no control over this

It hurts to see it on paper
writing about my good times just didn't feel right
I just needed to ramble, to let my feelings bleed
Thank you for your time

Beanies

Beanies remind me of unwashed hair tucked away
because you just don't care anymore

You're too numb to care
That was my brother everyday
Now it's me

I'm to numb to care
I'm at the point in my life where I don't know
what to do anymore

Depression is like forgetting the words to your favorite song

It seems I have tried everything
To feel
And not to feel
Because everything just hurts so much

But isn't it so much worse not to feel?
To be numb
I have put my feelings into everything I have ever done
and now it seems I have run dry
Medication is the only thing balencing my brain
Medication and you
What a terrible mix

It's hard for me to feel Paris
Because I have a hard time feeling at all.

I think I can't feel.
Yet something as simple as thinking about hats can pull this out of me.

I am the definition of contradicting 

butiwillbe

My elementary school teacher told me to never start a sentence with but
                                     but
I love starting sentences with but
but i will be
I know everything I want to be, I am trying everyday

but i will be a great mother 
but i will be the most loving wife
but i will be a creative writer with good grammar 
               maybe one day
and yes I know those i's should be capitalized
  but i'm just not there yet
but i will be
but i will be the person you want to come home to
but i will be able to worry about myself and not focus so much on others


but i will be better at not letting the past define me
but i will be someone you look up to
but i will be able to forget you 
but i will be an open book to anyone who reads 
but i will be
but I will be better at not eating 13 cookies and feeling like death is upon me
but i will be better at the words i love you

maybe not as co dependent
maybe not as depressed
maybe not as anxious
maybe one day i won't start a sentence with but
                     
 but as for me

i'm just not there yet