I'm not who I once was

On January 9th my life changed forever,

I was put into a treatment center called Lifeline. I was taken away from my family and friends for five months. Before Lifeline I was a disaster and a explosion waiting to happen. I constantly gave to others, but I didn't know how to receive. I gave my everything into people until I was overwhelmed with anger, exhaustion, and until I was emptied of everything I had. I gave until I gave up. I was an expert at taking care of everyone around me, yet I doubted my ability to take care of myself. I was a shell of a person, mindlessly moving from one activity of worry and competition to controlling and comparing myself and others. I wanted to control and help everyone. I thought I knew what was best for everyone. I pushed my Lauren self down and down. I changed my appearance to look like others for their acceptance and to feel loved. I changed my values. I didn't know or care who Lauren was or what she thought. I was a victim of drug abuse, yet I never used drugs, but I was nonetheless victimized by drug abuse. I was a raging Co-dependant because of things that happened in my life. I reacted in very unhealthy ways. I learned to hate myself. I was in the grasp of anorexia, self harm, low self worth, controlling, comparing, lying, manipulation, attention seeking, all or nothing thinking, irrational thinking, a eating disorder, depression, anxiety. I felt so alone. I was trapped and so full of anger and hate for life and especially myself. I learned to be scared of god and feel guilt for talking to him.

In Lifeline my world changed. It was freaking hard to not be able to see my dearest family and friends for so long. The stress you're put under to tell everyone everything about your life. Every embarrassing, sensitive, and scary situation you have had. And all your bad intentions to learn how to heal from them. My skin was peeling off my face because of the amount of stress I was under. My period even stopped because of the stress. We also ate horrible amounts of Mexican food. Haha Now even though it was a really hard thing to do, I gave my all into it. I wanted to be happy and to change. I wanted to love myself and to build relationships with my family. I wanted to talk to my god again. I wanted to trust my god again. I wanted the pain to go away. I was fearless and I did it all.

I am so proud of myself for learning how to love every inch of myself. I am so proud that I did so much work to learn who Lauren was. I have learned who I am and what I stand for. I have learned so many coping skills for depression, anxiety, and stress. I have learned about the 12 steps and how they apply to me and how to work them. I have learned the healthy balance of taking care of myself and others, which is incredibly amazing. I went from collapsing from the stress to being able to write out what I'm feeling and ask for help.

I want to say how thankful I am. The relationship I built with my god is what has made me whole. Being thankful is my rock and what keeps me going. Life of course is still really hard, yet I have learned to turn everything over to my god and to work hard. Darkness is out there, yet we cannot have rainbows without any rain. I needed to have darkness and I still need darkness to enjoy the most amazing confidence and freedom. I am so thankful for all the people that have helped in treatment. You guys are forever in my heart. I am so thankful for everyone and the example you set for me.     (two years ago)

(Now)

Circumstances still suck in life. I realize depression is something I might always struggle with. I have found so much joy working back at Lifeline now. I love to give back to struggling drug addicts who have nothing. I know that if I didn’t go through crap I wouldn’t be able to help the people I have and will help. I know that all my struggles and everything I have learned will help my future family and I want to teach my kids how to love themselves. Without treatment I never would of found my voice. I am kind and also assertive which is an awesome combination with working with people.

I hope I can pass on hope to people. That self love is one of the greatest things in this world. That everyone goes through tons of crap and no family or person is perfect. I want to inspire people to get the help they need and be able to pass it on. I want to be rid of the taboo about talking about hard things. If you don’t talk it out, you will act it out. Yeah.