Thoughts

Being forced to write is fun
I have to squeeze out some
Thoughts

Thought number one: You can't make yourself happy, but you can help yourself become a little less sad

Thought number two: Sometimes people say they love you, but they really don't

Thought number three: I challenge you to really get to know your mom or dad, so well that you can finish each other's sentences

Thought number four: Dogs

Thought number five: Do things that make you feel better about yourself everyday

Thought number six: drink lots of water

Thought number seven is my favorite number

Crayons

Our world is like a crayon box
We all are different colors, shades, mixes, and tastes
We all work with different colors
but

you

you are a black crayon

I am a white crayon

they say that opposites attract
oh
we
attract

Sometimes you meet someone
and it’s so clear 
that the two of you
on some level 
belong together

but like black and white crayons 
you
and 
I 
we don't 

mix  

I remember

When my brother was taken from me
when it hurt so much just to open my eyes
I remember
when my parents were my enemies
when I would do anything to feel
I remember
when scars became secrets
when friendship became a competition
I remember
when I would find attention from anyone
when I was so far gone, you couldn't get me off the bathroom floor
I remember
when demons crawled into my brothers room
the torture of others feelings ingrained in my soul
I remember
wishing I wouldn't wake up
when I tried to make that happen
I remember 
screaming into my pillow
writing help notes on my floor
I remember

I remember when I prayed for help
I remember when I asked for help
I remember when I drove with my father and brother to help
I remember the front desk as if it were yesterday
I remember being so excited that the pain might go away
I remember hugging my brother for the last time
I remember encouraging words
I remember support from older teens
I remember when I was told I was not alone

I remember my therapist
My partner in crime
I remember the food I ate
I remember the words I heard
I remember when I learned to love myself 
I remember when my world changed forever

I remember when my past defined me
I remember when it didn't
                                                                          

When I am gone, release me

Bricks can come in many shapes and sizes
we all hope for the day when we can fit them into our little circle holes
and be done with them

With suicide
it's like trying to fit a square block into a circle hole
it just doesn't fit

He was a light, and was terribly behaved
with a booming voice that filled a room
he loved to make others laugh
he was there for the people everyone else has given up on

They say there are steps to grief
but I'm only on step one
not sure how I'm going to make it to step two

Maybe one day I will find a place for this brick
but as of right now
I'm just not there yet

forgiven and forgotten

I cannot be defined by positivity and depression.
Because I am both, but I am me.

I remember my constant battle with anorexia
I simply couldn't focus on anything else, but my body
Nothing was important
Only my control over my body
It was pure hell

I would like to offer hope to others with the same or similar issues
because if I have found peace

You can
too

I can happily say I am enjoying the thoughts of healthy
I no longer focus on the words thin, skinny, fat, proportionate or anything between

I now focus on what my body can do
I no longer let a piece of fabric tell me how I'm going to feel that day

I let my legs that can run, swim, bike, and do triathlons tell me how I can feel that day
I let my lungs that can scream from mountain tops tell me how I can feel that day
And I now listen to my heart pumping and I let it tell me how I'm feeling that day
And I have never been happier 

I know we have demons in our lives for a reason
because if I have never struggled with this
I wouldn't have the appreciation for life as I do now

Healing his broken heart

When I think about love,
I think about all the positives, yet the other side of me thinks about the negatives
It seems in our life we have to go through the negatives to enjoy the positives
The saying goes:
You can't have a rainbow without a little rain
To tell you the truth, my heart has never been broken by a crush
It has however, been broken by a guy friend of mine
Well, I let him break mine
When he looked at me I felt my body go cold

She hurt him

His salty tears streaming down his face didn't help calm my anxiety as my emotions flooded me
How dare her 
I seem to have absorbed his feelings into me
People do tell me i'm like a sponge
I feel feelings that sometimes I know are not even mine
I took his
His need to save her from her dad
His need to love every inch of her body
His need for her to stop cheating on him with his best friends and cutting his heart in half
His need to love and to be loved in return

So some may say that my heart has never been broken
But I say it has
Oh it has
I felt it
I felt his broken heart

 

Flaming Pissed

I'm flaming pissed
Freaking pissed
So pissed
but you know whats behind pissed?
Did you know that anger is a secondary emotion?
Hurt
Sad
Pain
comes first
Did you know what I was going to write about this beautiful Sunday?
I was going to write about something I have overcome. Triumph
but really I need to get
real

A beautiful baby boy's presents have I been graced with recently
not even one years old
he will be one on Monday
Tomorrow
His mom is unstable, under constant control of lies and heroine, meth, anything
He is the sweetest, easy, calming baby you could ever have
I have been lucky enough to have been taking care of him recently
Even though I was sick, I couldn't say no to his eyes full of wonder and full of painful memories
His mom was in the hospital for skin diseases she received from stabbing herself full of heroine needles
My young brother and wife passed him off to my family
Why does there need to be these sad circumstances in life?
I already know the answer, yet avoiding it eases the pain
Long story short she manipulated into getting him back. She uses him for sympathy and money.
No one deserves to be used
But we all get used
I just miss him. I don't want this little soul around screaming, breaking doors, drugs, random people.

I want him safe.

I realize I have no control over this

It hurts to see it on paper
writing about my good times just didn't feel right
I just needed to ramble, to let my feelings bleed
Thank you for your time

Beanies

Beanies remind me of unwashed hair tucked away
because you just don't care anymore

You're too numb to care
That was my brother everyday
Now it's me

I'm to numb to care
I'm at the point in my life where I don't know
what to do anymore

Depression is like forgetting the words to your favorite song

It seems I have tried everything
To feel
And not to feel
Because everything just hurts so much

But isn't it so much worse not to feel?
To be numb
I have put my feelings into everything I have ever done
and now it seems I have run dry
Medication is the only thing balencing my brain
Medication and you
What a terrible mix

It's hard for me to feel Paris
Because I have a hard time feeling at all.

I think I can't feel.
Yet something as simple as thinking about hats can pull this out of me.

I am the definition of contradicting