"lost things"

 WARNING:

incorrect grammar & fat rambling ahead

I find myself obsessing over lost or potentially lost things..

-photos

-childhood toys

-emails

-passwords

-clothing

-funny videos

-memories

Parts of me are stressed that I am so disorganized in my photos, with duplicates, multiple accounts,

& screenshots of random things I don’t need. 

I had to ask myself why it bothers me so much.

I had to ask why once the obsessions start, I struggle to not let the thoughts control me.

I feel disorganized in my life.

If ONLY I could find every stray thing out of line and put it all back in it’s place.

Maybe life would make sense if I could cross every T and dot every I.

If I could have all my ducks in a row. 

Life is so complicated and messy. I can’t stand it.

The thought of losing things exhausts me. It feels like a waste when something is lost.

Loss of money, time, material, happiness. It feels dirty, unorganized, inefficient.

Recycling stresses me out.

I stress about checking everything to see if I can recycle it before throwing it away. I stress about throwing anything away.

What I am throwing away is creating more loose ends all over the world.

I stress about my imprint & impact I am leaving on the world.

The people & animals I am and could be hurting.

I feel like pieces of myself are strewn about infinite places &

it’s impossible for me to find them all and put them in their place. And do it correctly. 

I feel that if only I could organize & clean & find & solve all physical objects in my life & online

that any emotional pain will be gone. That I will have life figured out. That life would be solved for me.

That I could handle anything in my way. That I would be happy.

That I could whip out that funny puppy video to show my brother

because it was already organized into a folder in my phone.

That I could post for everyone's birthdays and events because all their photos are already

there ready for me. I feel what if the lost relationship with my brother would be made whole?

What about Sydnee’s too?

I want to see my life organized in photos in front of me.

That I can have an actual representation of time in front of me.

Laid out in photos with dates & times.

That I would have an actual representation of how things were and are going.

It feels so nice to understand how the months move into making a whole year now.

Having awareness of what is going on around me makes me feel so connected, grounded, grateful,

and excited to continue. Peaceful. Not until recently. Not until 25 years old did

I finally start getting an inkling into what the hell was happening with life. And with me. 

I feel like I got dropped into life with a bunch of broken pieces in the shape of memories

and I need to put them all together to figure out what life means and how to have a good one.

I already failed. I am so stressed about that. What happened to me in all those 25 years of life.

Why can't I remember? Why was I so slow to finally learn how to learn?

Why did it take my brain so long to heal? Why do I struggle to do what's good for me?

Why can't I connect with lady friends? 

Is there a way beyond this? Is there peace for me? Here? 

I always tell myself. What if there was a fire that burned away everything and I am left with nothing.

What would I do? How would I feel? I worry if I lost those things. Would I lose me?

Would I lose myself and not know how to be me again? 

As a teenager to cope with my life I would organize and clean obsessively.

That is how I learned to cope with what is around me. That’s what my dad did.

Now he’s in prison. That’s what mom did. Now she is alone. I could go on. Why am I so hurt?