Wins and Losses

You say you're sorry
For the pain we both were in
But
I'm not sorry

If I never felt the air knocked out of me
I never would have the sweet feeling of breath in my lungs

If I never felt my body starve
I never would love myself like I do now

If marks never scratched my veins
I wouldn't have the coping skills I do now

If he never died
I wouldn't value life like I do now

If I never fell
I never would of learned how to fly

If I never had my brain kill me from the inside out
I would never appreciate how beautiful life can be

If I never felt the knives of pure anxiety
I never would have my 4.0

If I never fought with demons
I never could be this strong

If I never felt what it was like to be so so alone
I wouldn't love people like I do now

You cannot have rainbows without a little rain

Wins and losses live inside me
yet I don't always view them as losses  

You say you don't exist in my happy world
I believe you always have

Grown up fears

My 12 year old brother said:

"Once I learned
how
to
swallow
pills,
I felt like
an
adult" 

innocence made me think
about what I was afraid of

what if kids feel like adults are just trying to get by?
swallowing sorrows and troubles away
a pill at a time

I don't want to be that adult.
I don't
but
I fear I will
be

I am a robot

I am a robot
my
feelings
are
numb

non existent

I have been programmed to think a certain way
 I couldn't see my family until I did

I live in an unbroken routine
I am constantly thinking and processing information

I don't stop and smell the roses 

Even my laugh is robotic

ha  ha  ha  ha

You ask what makes us human,
yet I am anything but

Oh boy
I hope this ends. 

Kiss

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                       sskisskisskisskiss
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Thoughts

Being forced to write is fun
I have to squeeze out some
Thoughts

Thought number one: You can't make yourself happy, but you can help yourself become a little less sad

Thought number two: Sometimes people say they love you, but they really don't

Thought number three: I challenge you to really get to know your mom or dad, so well that you can finish each other's sentences

Thought number four: Dogs

Thought number five: Do things that make you feel better about yourself everyday

Thought number six: drink lots of water

Thought number seven is my favorite number

Crayons

Our world is like a crayon box
We all are different colors, shades, mixes, and tastes
We all work with different colors
but

you

you are a black crayon

I am a white crayon

they say that opposites attract
oh
we
attract

Sometimes you meet someone
and it’s so clear 
that the two of you
on some level 
belong together

but like black and white crayons 
you
and 
I 
we don't 

mix  

I remember

When my brother was taken from me
when it hurt so much just to open my eyes
I remember
when my parents were my enemies
when I would do anything to feel
I remember
when scars became secrets
when friendship became a competition
I remember
when I would find attention from anyone
when I was so far gone, you couldn't get me off the bathroom floor
I remember
when demons crawled into my brothers room
the torture of others feelings ingrained in my soul
I remember
wishing I wouldn't wake up
when I tried to make that happen
I remember 
screaming into my pillow
writing help notes on my floor
I remember

I remember when I prayed for help
I remember when I asked for help
I remember when I drove with my father and brother to help
I remember the front desk as if it were yesterday
I remember being so excited that the pain might go away
I remember hugging my brother for the last time
I remember encouraging words
I remember support from older teens
I remember when I was told I was not alone

I remember my therapist
My partner in crime
I remember the food I ate
I remember the words I heard
I remember when I learned to love myself 
I remember when my world changed forever

I remember when my past defined me
I remember when it didn't