107mph

i have no idea how i passed creative writing

it is so hard to write anything

so hard to get my thoughts onto paper

so real in my head

but when i try to get it out ......

maybe i forgot 

everything is so deep and locked inside me

i would rather stalk your social media and reassure myself you're not evil 

when i drank too much and don't even know when my head hit the pillow 

why didn't anyone call the police? ...

why didn't i? 

maybe i forgot

what was the last date justin went on? because i had to bail

and my soul will never let me forget that

i remember sitting in creative writing

in a hoodie

hoping

that something might change

maybe i forgot 

is it easier to be angry or sad?

because if it's sad, then i have always taken the easier way out

and i'm sitting 

in my kitchen

hoping

that something might change 

hoping

 i will forget

just so you know

hey, checking in

It’s been awhile 

J- I still check your tumblr, hoping a new post will appear.... 

It never does 

my goal is to look at everything you have ever posted

Every last one 

M- I still check your tumblr too. I don’t know why 

J- I want you to know I still listen to John Mayer religiously 

I don’t listen to bat manors at all. You seem to be in the same place as me. Weird wasn’t it?? Isnt it? We are always in the same place. Maybe that’s what brought us together. And what brought us apart 

T- you faded so quickly

what the hell does that mean 

Just checking in 

Why?

Maybe I haven’t been disappointed enough by people

Maybe I’m too naive to know how to help

Maybe I should hate people 

Does she know what it’s like to lose someone ? 

To kneel by their casket and ... see them there? 

Lifeless 

and cold 

gray. 

empty. 

He was golden

 breakdowns months later 

sit in a small cafe in Logan and swear that song was them trying to communicate to you 

You don’t. 

No 

Suicide is not a joke. 

What have you been through to make you so cold? 

It definitely wasn’t losing someone 

That I’m

Sure. 

Why are you laughing ? 

Why? 

10/17/1997 - 01/13/2017

Sunflower painting and small pink lamp
orange handwriting
and wheat fields

love is the answer

gazing up at the skylight
bunches & oats

you're smart and pretty

painting moss green eyeliner on
a fresh face

forget-me-not

thank you for your thoughtfulness

i would walk 1000 miles to fall down at your door
squares and circles and I'm sorry

when i'm dreaming
i will dream about the time i had with you

Rest in Peace

Here's to us

Wow.
I
Am
Finally
Here

Graduation is on Friday

I made it

This is to all those mornings I couldn't get up for school
This is to my mother who sat in Kindergarten with me on the ABC rug because I was too afraid of going to school

I now call it anxiety and extreme attachment to my mom

This is to Mitch Call who taught me I was not alone


This is to my first best friend Audraya who met me on the dirt pile
This is to my pug Dexter who comforted me while I cried
This is to Mr. Malouf who taught me that English was my best subject
and this is to Emily Moyle who taught me there is always something to laugh about

This is to my first Princess chair and to my first trench coat that taught me I can be anything I want to be

This is to my house in Provo and the house on the hill

This is to Sydnee Lefler, I know god loves me because he put you in my life

This is to Jenni and Jason
 and to Max Strong

This is to Lifeline, To all my treatment friends that have saved my life
To my rehab children now, I love you guys and will give you guys everything I have

To Dani and Bryce 

This is to baby Annabell. There are stars in your eyes and I love you as my own.

To my foster baby Zadis. I know people think you will grow up without a chance, but I promise I will fight for you. I will fight so that you have the best life you can.

This is to Taylor Anderson. You taught me how to love. You taught me how special I really am. You taught me what real fun is and we fit together like two peas in a pod. You taught me what I want my future to look like.

To my spiritual leaders and Sunday school teachers
To my elementary school friends and to Billy the Janitor

To Josh Patterson and Aspen Meek

To Nelson,

 You're too cool for you're own good

This is to my parents. Who are the coolest parents I have ever met. I couldn't have been blessed more. 

This is to God and Jesus. I wouldn't have this life without you guys. You taught me love. You taught me that everything I have been through is worth it. I cannot thank you enough

This is to me. Hell Yeah. You are freaking awesome. 

There are so many people, experiences, things, places, smells, and even tastes that I could thank and have brought me this far, but those are the ones that needed to be highlighted.

2016

I remember

I remember the way his lips felt
I remember when I fell down the stairs
I remember soft whispers
and very loud thoughts
I remember Dani
I remember peaches in my backyard
I remember when I had hope
I remember when I didn't
I remember being hit
I remember hitting back
I remember getting the splits
I remember throwing up on my friends floor in park city
I remember when life was simpler
I remember carving my name into a tree
I remember apologizing to the tree a year later
I remember sugar pancakes
I remember

Blue Ticket

Starts are sometimes more important than the finish



the start of a blossom before the bloom

the momentum before the race
starting to love yourself before you know the outcome
a sweet baby starting out before they become monsters
starting fresh the new school year
new job
new attitude
new life
starting your first seashell, Pokemon, or quarter collection
starting a new life style
i wouldn't be where I am today without starting
the breath, the exhale before you start dancing on stage
starts to begin new starts
starts, farts, marts, carts, arts, hearts, charts, smarts, parts, tarts
mini marts