"lost things"

 WARNING:

incorrect grammar & fat rambling ahead

I find myself obsessing over lost or potentially lost things..

-photos

-childhood toys

-emails

-passwords

-clothing

-funny videos

-memories

Parts of me are stressed that I am so disorganized in my photos, with duplicates, multiple accounts,

& screenshots of random things I don’t need. 

I had to ask myself why it bothers me so much.

I had to ask why once the obsessions start, I struggle to not let the thoughts control me.

I feel disorganized in my life.

If ONLY I could find every stray thing out of line and put it all back in it’s place.

Maybe life would make sense if I could cross every T and dot every I.

If I could have all my ducks in a row. 

Life is so complicated and messy. I can’t stand it.

The thought of losing things exhausts me. It feels like a waste when something is lost.

Loss of money, time, material, happiness. It feels dirty, unorganized, inefficient.

Recycling stresses me out.

I stress about checking everything to see if I can recycle it before throwing it away. I stress about throwing anything away.

What I am throwing away is creating more loose ends all over the world.

I stress about my imprint & impact I am leaving on the world.

The people & animals I am and could be hurting.

I feel like pieces of myself are strewn about infinite places &

it’s impossible for me to find them all and put them in their place. And do it correctly. 

I feel that if only I could organize & clean & find & solve all physical objects in my life & online

that any emotional pain will be gone. That I will have life figured out. That life would be solved for me.

That I could handle anything in my way. That I would be happy.

That I could whip out that funny puppy video to show my brother

because it was already organized into a folder in my phone.

That I could post for everyone's birthdays and events because all their photos are already

there ready for me. I feel what if the lost relationship with my brother would be made whole?

What about Sydnee’s too?

I want to see my life organized in photos in front of me.

That I can have an actual representation of time in front of me.

Laid out in photos with dates & times.

That I would have an actual representation of how things were and are going.

It feels so nice to understand how the months move into making a whole year now.

Having awareness of what is going on around me makes me feel so connected, grounded, grateful,

and excited to continue. Peaceful. Not until recently. Not until 25 years old did

I finally start getting an inkling into what the hell was happening with life. And with me. 

I feel like I got dropped into life with a bunch of broken pieces in the shape of memories

and I need to put them all together to figure out what life means and how to have a good one.

I already failed. I am so stressed about that. What happened to me in all those 25 years of life.

Why can't I remember? Why was I so slow to finally learn how to learn?

Why did it take my brain so long to heal? Why do I struggle to do what's good for me?

Why can't I connect with lady friends? 

Is there a way beyond this? Is there peace for me? Here? 

I always tell myself. What if there was a fire that burned away everything and I am left with nothing.

What would I do? How would I feel? I worry if I lost those things. Would I lose me?

Would I lose myself and not know how to be me again? 

As a teenager to cope with my life I would organize and clean obsessively.

That is how I learned to cope with what is around me. That’s what my dad did.

Now he’s in prison. That’s what mom did. Now she is alone. I could go on. Why am I so hurt?

What about us?

Here’s the thing dad, they don’t need to know they received an email first off. They can feel all kinds of emotions without knowing they received an email and here’s why: 

How do you think you and I are talking right now? All siblings got the same information that you wanted to talk to them or write them. What they choose to do all shows in their actions or lack of. That’s why I’m talking to you right now and B or E are not. If B or E wanted to know if you sent them something they would take the steps to find out. 

You can write them all you want. What you choose to do is up to you. 

When you consistently ask me to contact my siblings for you, I feel like you believe I don’t matter. That I am just a way for you to get what you want. I feel like you really don’t care about what I have to say, even when you ask. It seems you always have an agenda of what you want accomplish when speaking with me and not because you want to have a meaningful conversation where both sides benefit. I feel like I’m only taking to a businessman who wants to sell me stuff , instead of a loving father who cares. I feel like that is how you treat everyone in your life. And it is pushing us away. 

And it really sucked having a dad like that as a kid. It really really sucked. 

Everything you did was on your terms. When you wanted to see us, you didn’t ask if it worked for us, you DEMANDED IT.  Even when we wanted to seek refuge and have alone time you would barge in and then make fun of us or guilt trip us for trying to have boundaries. YOU could care less about boundaries which in turn shows you don’t respect us. Do you even value us? Do you only value that we can carry out something for you? What about our feelings dad? What about our experiences dad? What about our choices dad? What about our hopes and dreams dad? What about our future dad? What about us? 

It’s just your movie and we are all side characters and pawns in your story. When we would ever try to speak up we were not heard, or worse. We were mocked. You would mock L until she had a full on anxiety attack. You would push and push and push her until she emotionally couldn’t possibly feel safe and then you would make fun of her for it. Say that she was the crazy one. That you only wanted to spend time with her.  You would guilt trip us saying that we don’t care about you, and it made us wish we never even tried to care about you in the first place 

Your actions made me want to kill myself. I felt crazy. I felt like something was inherently, deeply wrong with me. That I was made incorrectly because I had such a hard time functioning. Or worse, that if I wasn’t made wrong that I fucked up my self on my own by my mistakes or lack of intelligence. That took years and years of my life away. All that time was dedicated to suffering. 

Couldn’t you see that there was something severely wrong with your family?

That 3 out of the 5 kids attempted suicide?

And that 2 suffered from deep depression? 

Or that your wife didn’t do things for herself?

Or was always mad at you? 

Or didn’t want to spend time with you or be near you? 

Or didn’t want to be intimate at all?????

Didn’t you see that something was bad?

Or did you just not care? 

Were you too busy carrying out your own plan to see how much pain we were all in? 

Wouldn’t you think that you needed to take a break from work and heal your family? 

Or be there for them for things
they wanted to do???? 

You told me it was because of my own sins that I was struggling with not wanting to be alive. 

ReplyForward

All too well

Sometimes , recently I get

These thoughts

This punch through my chest

Maybe I need to leave ?

Give up

Turn the opposite way


Will I never be enough ?


are the devils claws still engaged around your head ?


I hate hearing her thoughts, but my mind convinces me I’m lost without them. That I have already lost you

It’s bullshit


Life is not like that.


Don’t let it

I know this

All to well

if I ever get around to living

The weight of the world is so heavy 

It’s as if the sky is weighing down on me 

Suffocating my dreams and hopes 

The brake lights match the sky 

And I’m thinking about my regrets 

this life will make you see things from every angle 

Especially when you thought you were immune from one 

Numb and compressed in thought 

I never have had this much dreaming in my 2 decades of life

Yet my motivation for dreams is at a all time low 

I can feel my weight in this moment 

What control do I have 

Sensitive spirit in a unresponsive path

107mph

i have no idea how i passed creative writing

it is so hard to write anything

so hard to get my thoughts onto paper

so real in my head

but when i try to get it out ......

maybe i forgot 

everything is so deep and locked inside me

i would rather stalk your social media and reassure myself you're not evil 

when i drank too much and don't even know when my head hit the pillow 

why didn't anyone call the police? ...

why didn't i? 

maybe i forgot

what was the last date justin went on? because i had to bail

and my soul will never let me forget that

i remember sitting in creative writing

in a hoodie

hoping

that something might change

maybe i forgot 

is it easier to be angry or sad?

because if it's sad, then i have always taken the easier way out

and i'm sitting 

in my kitchen

hoping

that something might change 

hoping

 i will forget

just so you know

hey, checking in

It’s been awhile 

J- I still check your tumblr, hoping a new post will appear.... 

It never does 

my goal is to look at everything you have ever posted

Every last one 

M- I still check your tumblr too. I don’t know why 

J- I want you to know I still listen to John Mayer religiously 

I don’t listen to bat manors at all. You seem to be in the same place as me. Weird wasn’t it?? Isnt it? We are always in the same place. Maybe that’s what brought us together. And what brought us apart 

T- you faded so quickly

what the hell does that mean 

Just checking in 

Why?

Maybe I haven’t been disappointed enough by people

Maybe I’m too naive to know how to help

Maybe I should hate people 

Does she know what it’s like to lose someone ? 

To kneel by their casket and ... see them there? 

Lifeless 

and cold 

gray. 

empty. 

He was golden

 breakdowns months later 

sit in a small cafe in Logan and swear that song was them trying to communicate to you 

You don’t. 

No 

Suicide is not a joke. 

What have you been through to make you so cold? 

It definitely wasn’t losing someone 

That I’m

Sure. 

Why are you laughing ? 

Why? 

10/17/1997 - 01/13/2017

Sunflower painting and small pink lamp
orange handwriting
and wheat fields

love is the answer

gazing up at the skylight
bunches & oats

you're smart and pretty

painting moss green eyeliner on
a fresh face

forget-me-not

thank you for your thoughtfulness

i would walk 1000 miles to fall down at your door
squares and circles and I'm sorry

when i'm dreaming
i will dream about the time i had with you

Rest in Peace

Here's to us

Wow.
I
Am
Finally
Here

Graduation is on Friday

I made it

This is to all those mornings I couldn't get up for school
This is to my mother who sat in Kindergarten with me on the ABC rug because I was too afraid of going to school

I now call it anxiety and extreme attachment to my mom

This is to Mitch Call who taught me I was not alone


This is to my first best friend Audraya who met me on the dirt pile
This is to my pug Dexter who comforted me while I cried
This is to Mr. Malouf who taught me that English was my best subject
and this is to Emily Moyle who taught me there is always something to laugh about

This is to my first Princess chair and to my first trench coat that taught me I can be anything I want to be

This is to my house in Provo and the house on the hill

This is to Sydnee Lefler, I know god loves me because he put you in my life

This is to Jenni and Jason
 and to Max Strong

This is to Lifeline, To all my treatment friends that have saved my life
To my rehab children now, I love you guys and will give you guys everything I have

To Dani and Bryce 

This is to baby Annabell. There are stars in your eyes and I love you as my own.

To my foster baby Zadis. I know people think you will grow up without a chance, but I promise I will fight for you. I will fight so that you have the best life you can.

This is to Taylor Anderson. You taught me how to love. You taught me how special I really am. You taught me what real fun is and we fit together like two peas in a pod. You taught me what I want my future to look like.

To my spiritual leaders and Sunday school teachers
To my elementary school friends and to Billy the Janitor

To Josh Patterson and Aspen Meek

To Nelson,

 You're too cool for you're own good

This is to my parents. Who are the coolest parents I have ever met. I couldn't have been blessed more. 

This is to God and Jesus. I wouldn't have this life without you guys. You taught me love. You taught me that everything I have been through is worth it. I cannot thank you enough

This is to me. Hell Yeah. You are freaking awesome. 

There are so many people, experiences, things, places, smells, and even tastes that I could thank and have brought me this far, but those are the ones that needed to be highlighted.

2016

I remember

I remember the way his lips felt
I remember when I fell down the stairs
I remember soft whispers
and very loud thoughts
I remember Dani
I remember peaches in my backyard
I remember when I had hope
I remember when I didn't
I remember being hit
I remember hitting back
I remember getting the splits
I remember throwing up on my friends floor in park city
I remember when life was simpler
I remember carving my name into a tree
I remember apologizing to the tree a year later
I remember sugar pancakes
I remember

Blue Ticket

Starts are sometimes more important than the finish



the start of a blossom before the bloom

the momentum before the race
starting to love yourself before you know the outcome
a sweet baby starting out before they become monsters
starting fresh the new school year
new job
new attitude
new life
starting your first seashell, Pokemon, or quarter collection
starting a new life style
i wouldn't be where I am today without starting
the breath, the exhale before you start dancing on stage
starts to begin new starts
starts, farts, marts, carts, arts, hearts, charts, smarts, parts, tarts
mini marts

My Heart

I'm not who I once was

On January 9th my life changed forever,

I was put into a treatment center called Lifeline. I was taken away from my family and friends for five months. Before Lifeline I was a disaster and a explosion waiting to happen. I constantly gave to others, but I didn't know how to receive. I gave my everything into people until I was overwhelmed with anger, exhaustion, and until I was emptied of everything I had. I gave until I gave up. I was an expert at taking care of everyone around me, yet I doubted my ability to take care of myself. I was a shell of a person, mindlessly moving from one activity of worry and competition to controlling and comparing myself and others. I wanted to control and help everyone. I thought I knew what was best for everyone. I pushed my Lauren self down and down. I changed my appearance to look like others for their acceptance and to feel loved. I changed my values. I didn't know or care who Lauren was or what she thought. I was a victim of drug abuse, yet I never used drugs, but I was nonetheless victimized by drug abuse. I was a raging Co-dependant because of things that happened in my life. I reacted in very unhealthy ways. I learned to hate myself. I was in the grasp of anorexia, self harm, low self worth, controlling, comparing, lying, manipulation, attention seeking, all or nothing thinking, irrational thinking, a eating disorder, depression, anxiety. I felt so alone. I was trapped and so full of anger and hate for life and especially myself. I learned to be scared of god and feel guilt for talking to him.

In Lifeline my world changed. It was freaking hard to not be able to see my dearest family and friends for so long. The stress you're put under to tell everyone everything about your life. Every embarrassing, sensitive, and scary situation you have had. And all your bad intentions to learn how to heal from them. My skin was peeling off my face because of the amount of stress I was under. My period even stopped because of the stress. We also ate horrible amounts of Mexican food. Haha Now even though it was a really hard thing to do, I gave my all into it. I wanted to be happy and to change. I wanted to love myself and to build relationships with my family. I wanted to talk to my god again. I wanted to trust my god again. I wanted the pain to go away. I was fearless and I did it all.

I am so proud of myself for learning how to love every inch of myself. I am so proud that I did so much work to learn who Lauren was. I have learned who I am and what I stand for. I have learned so many coping skills for depression, anxiety, and stress. I have learned about the 12 steps and how they apply to me and how to work them. I have learned the healthy balance of taking care of myself and others, which is incredibly amazing. I went from collapsing from the stress to being able to write out what I'm feeling and ask for help.

I want to say how thankful I am. The relationship I built with my god is what has made me whole. Being thankful is my rock and what keeps me going. Life of course is still really hard, yet I have learned to turn everything over to my god and to work hard. Darkness is out there, yet we cannot have rainbows without any rain. I needed to have darkness and I still need darkness to enjoy the most amazing confidence and freedom. I am so thankful for all the people that have helped in treatment. You guys are forever in my heart. I am so thankful for everyone and the example you set for me.     (two years ago)

(Now)

Circumstances still suck in life. I realize depression is something I might always struggle with. I have found so much joy working back at Lifeline now. I love to give back to struggling drug addicts who have nothing. I know that if I didn’t go through crap I wouldn’t be able to help the people I have and will help. I know that all my struggles and everything I have learned will help my future family and I want to teach my kids how to love themselves. Without treatment I never would of found my voice. I am kind and also assertive which is an awesome combination with working with people.

I hope I can pass on hope to people. That self love is one of the greatest things in this world. That everyone goes through tons of crap and no family or person is perfect. I want to inspire people to get the help they need and be able to pass it on. I want to be rid of the taboo about talking about hard things. If you don’t talk it out, you will act it out. Yeah.

Hello, it's me

Hey
This feels really good
I am so thankful for this blog
I have been able to feel my emotions better
I have been able to express things better

I even have become a little more creative

Thank you

-Lauren Hansen

I was going to film a video with my cat, but she fell asleep on my back. lol

                                         

Wins and Losses

You say you're sorry
For the pain we both were in
But
I'm not sorry

If I never felt the air knocked out of me
I never would have the sweet feeling of breath in my lungs

If I never felt my body starve
I never would love myself like I do now

If marks never scratched my veins
I wouldn't have the coping skills I do now

If he never died
I wouldn't value life like I do now

If I never fell
I never would of learned how to fly

If I never had my brain kill me from the inside out
I would never appreciate how beautiful life can be

If I never felt the knives of pure anxiety
I never would have my 4.0

If I never fought with demons
I never could be this strong

If I never felt what it was like to be so so alone
I wouldn't love people like I do now

You cannot have rainbows without a little rain

Wins and losses live inside me
yet I don't always view them as losses  

You say you don't exist in my happy world
I believe you always have

Grown up fears

My 12 year old brother said:

"Once I learned
how
to
swallow
pills,
I felt like
an
adult" 

innocence made me think
about what I was afraid of

what if kids feel like adults are just trying to get by?
swallowing sorrows and troubles away
a pill at a time

I don't want to be that adult.
I don't
but
I fear I will
be

I am a robot

I am a robot
my
feelings
are
numb

non existent

I have been programmed to think a certain way
 I couldn't see my family until I did

I live in an unbroken routine
I am constantly thinking and processing information

I don't stop and smell the roses 

Even my laugh is robotic

ha  ha  ha  ha

You ask what makes us human,
yet I am anything but

Oh boy
I hope this ends. 

Kiss

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Thoughts

Being forced to write is fun
I have to squeeze out some
Thoughts

Thought number one: You can't make yourself happy, but you can help yourself become a little less sad

Thought number two: Sometimes people say they love you, but they really don't

Thought number three: I challenge you to really get to know your mom or dad, so well that you can finish each other's sentences

Thought number four: Dogs

Thought number five: Do things that make you feel better about yourself everyday

Thought number six: drink lots of water

Thought number seven is my favorite number

Crayons

Our world is like a crayon box
We all are different colors, shades, mixes, and tastes
We all work with different colors
but

you

you are a black crayon

I am a white crayon

they say that opposites attract
oh
we
attract

Sometimes you meet someone
and it’s so clear 
that the two of you
on some level 
belong together

but like black and white crayons 
you
and 
I 
we don't 

mix