Wins and Losses

You say you're sorry
For the pain we both were in
But
I'm not sorry

If I never felt the air knocked out of me
I never would have the sweet feeling of breath in my lungs

If I never felt my body starve
I never would love myself like I do now

If marks never scratched my veins
I wouldn't have the coping skills I do now

If he never died
I wouldn't value life like I do now

If I never fell
I never would of learned how to fly

If I never had my brain kill me from the inside out
I would never appreciate how beautiful life can be

If I never felt the knives of pure anxiety
I never would have my 4.0

If I never fought with demons
I never could be this strong

If I never felt what it was like to be so so alone
I wouldn't love people like I do now

You cannot have rainbows without a little rain

Wins and losses live inside me
yet I don't always view them as losses  

You say you don't exist in my happy world
I believe you always have

Grown up fears

My 12 year old brother said:

"Once I learned
how
to
swallow
pills,
I felt like
an
adult" 

innocence made me think
about what I was afraid of

what if kids feel like adults are just trying to get by?
swallowing sorrows and troubles away
a pill at a time

I don't want to be that adult.
I don't
but
I fear I will
be

I am a robot

I am a robot
my
feelings
are
numb

non existent

I have been programmed to think a certain way
 I couldn't see my family until I did

I live in an unbroken routine
I am constantly thinking and processing information

I don't stop and smell the roses 

Even my laugh is robotic

ha  ha  ha  ha

You ask what makes us human,
yet I am anything but

Oh boy
I hope this ends. 

Kiss

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